Hello 2024, Goodbye 2023

This was originally sent to my Tinyletter subscribers on December 31, 2023, adjusted slightly for this blog context and format. Future newsletters will be sent from janeshin.substack.com.

Hello there, how are you? Hope you’re doing well and taking care. Happy New Year!

It's a bummer to hear that TinyLetter is officially shutting down in February 2024. TinyLetter gave me the wings to find and share my voice. It’s where I documented my transition when I moved back to LA from the Bay in 2016 before I eventually expanded my writing to the blog here.

As a heads up, I will be sending future letters via Substack. If you think anyone would be interested in hearing from me, pass this along. I also hope to write more here in general, so I’ll still be making my rounds.

I desire to write more in 2024–write fearlessly, write honestly, write for me again. In these last few months, I’ve been reflecting on how my interest and relationship with writing and connecting online has been shifting.

The last piece I wrote was in March 2021. It was so emotional and heavy. It took a lot of courage and vulnerability to write and share. In some ways, the grief and anger swallowed me up. I hid away, and I busied myself for the rest of the years that followed with the pandemic. 

As time continued to pass, I often thought about when I would return to write for my blog and newsletter again and share my voice on Progression. Friends would ask what I’m doing for my own creative pursuits outside of work. Someone messaged me and asked when I would return to the podcast because it had helped them. I am grateful for their curiosity and support for me to return to these creative homes I had been carving out the past few years prior to this pause. All I could say was “Thanks for the support, I have to get back to it, I want to!” A glimmer of excitement and hope would spark and then the motivation would fade away. Other things took priority and that’s okay. 

I experienced many beautiful things these past few years and especially in 2023. I made amazing memories with loved ones, moved through painful lessons, heartache and more. Growth is and was taking place even if I wasn’t writing about it openly and consistently as I was before. I also gave myself permission to let go of the notion that I’d ever return to Progression in its original form. It served its own purpose in the chapter it needed to. Its evolution from here on out is unknown, and that’s okay. If anyone else has struggled with this back and forth too around personal creative projects, please know you’re not alone. I remind myself the journey is unfolding in divine albeit unknown order.

I’m doing my best to remember it’s never perfect and to enjoy the process. In the spirit of that, here’s an assortment of 2023 personal highlights and things I enjoyed:

TWICE First Impressions: A career highlight this year was directing a fun interview with K-Pop group TWICE for a series on Amazon Music called First Impressions. I was proud of myself for conducting all the interviews fully in Korean with each of the lovely nine members. I made a recap vlog about the shoot and experience here.

Past Lives: I’ve thought about Past Lives ​often since watching it this summer. How director and writer Celine Song articulated the experience and complexity of love and the choices we make, both past and present is so beautiful and heartbreaking. As a fellow creative Korean woman, I’m inspired by Celine’s story in that Past Lives is her directorial film debut.

Reunion tours: Seeing bands reunite to celebrate their past works makes me happy. Last year, I went to see several old bands I grew up loving and seeing live like Cursive and Thursday. To add to that list, I caught the highly anticipated Death Cab for Cutie and The Postal Service’s Give Up & Transatlanticism 20th Anniversary Tour at The Hollywood Bowl in October. The image of high school Jane wistfully looking out the school bus window, blasting The Postal Service on her electric blue Sony CD player is still sharp as ever. “Nostalgia” derives from the Greek words nostos (return) and algos (pain). I got to catch the show with one of my best friends, Audrey. We both had young Audrey and Jane out with us together that night as we belted tunes in unison with Ben Gibbard. It was bittersweet hearkening back to the past and reflecting on our growth over the years. We snagged some unofficial merch at the end of the show, and I was excited when Brain Dead also released their The Postal Service x Brain Dead collaboration this month.

Sanullim (산울림):My mom is my ultimate Korean music referrer. It’s a gift to be able to learn about so many legendary Korean artists, bands and songs. One of my favorites she’s put me onto is Sanullim, a Korean rock band consisting of three brothers that formed in 1977. We listened to them extensively on our trip to Portland this year. They were the perfect accompaniment on the road as towering Douglas Fir trees whirred past us.

Larry June: Larry June has had quite the year with the releases of The Great Escape and The Night Shift which are both heavily in rotation for me. He was at the top of my 2023 Spotify Wrapped list–the lyrics, stories, production, delivery, messages of good living, self-investment and more always boost me in the right direction forward. Good Job Larry.

Mexico City: I visited for the first time with one of my best friends Natalie in September, and it is one of the most incredible cities I’ve ever been to, a top favorite for sure. Thanks to Natalie’s extraordinary itinerary, we experienced all the great architecture, food, sights, shopping and more that the city offers. Some of my favorite memories were visiting Parque Quetzalcóatl, Museo Jumex and dining at Pujol. I can’t wait to be back again.

Korea in the Fall:My family and I visited this past September and October, and it was a wonderful time as always. My mom’s entire family is in Korea so reuniting with my grandma, aunts, uncle and cousins was a blessing. I fell in love with Seoul again and spent most of my time there. We also spent a weekend in Gangneung on the East coast of Korea and also happened to visit Busan at the same time the Busan International Film Festival was also taking place. A highlight was being able to participate and watch a screening of Burning directed by Lee Chang-dong (이창동). As part of the festival, there was a special live Q&A with him and actor Steven Yeun after the screening. Every visit to Korea has been special, but this year particularly left a strong mark on me that I'm still processing.

Secret Sunshine film screening at Academy Museum:The connection to director Lee Chang-dong’s films continued on as I went to see a special 35mm film screening of Secret Sunshine last month at the Academy Museum as part of their retrospective series to celebrate iconic Korean actor Song Kang Ho (송강호)’s works in Korean cinema. Released in 2007, Secret Sunshine is an emotional, heavy story around grief, and it’s a beautifully captured film. Song Kang Ho was also present after the screening to do a Q&A. My mom and I were geeked seeing the legend in the flesh.

Dill: I never bought or ate so much dill in my life until this past summer, and I have Chuck Cruz and Hailee Catalano to thank. I love their cooking videos, and I noticed they cook with dill often. I was reminded why I love herbs in general. I attribute a part of this to my dad’s palate which I inherited. My dad grew up on a farm eating lots of herbs and vegetables in the Chungcheong-do countryside and farming province of Korea. When he speaks of those memories on the farm, he lights up. I mix dill together in a salad usually consisting of cucumber, beets and pumpkin seeds, simply squeezed with lemon, olive oil, flaked salt and freshly ground black pepper. Lots of pepper always, which is also an inherited interest from my dad. We are a pepper loving family. I also enjoy dill in fried potatoes and in an omelet with swiss cheese and red onions. Dill-licious!

Friendships: I am so grateful for the friends I have in my life and how much my relationships with my friends this year especially deepened. The ambition of friendships story is a great read about being ambitious about cultivating your friendships too, just as much as you would a career or passion.

What were some of your 2023 highlights and things you enjoyed? What are you looking forward to in 2024?

With gratitude,
Jane Shin

Processing grief as a first-generation Korean American woman

“To be an Asian woman in America means you can't just be what you are: a fully enfranchised human being. It means you are a blank screen on which others project their stories, especially, too often, their sexualized fantasies — because US culture has long presented Asian women as sexualized objects for White male enjoyment.” - Jennifer Ho

It’s been more than a week since the awful hate crime mass shooting took place in Atlanta on March 16, 2021 that left eight people dead, six of whom were women of Asian descent. 

Rest In Peace Soon Chung Park 박순정, Hyun Jung Grant [김]현정, Sun Cha Kim 김순자, Yong Ae Yue 유용애, Xiaojie Tan 谭小洁, Daoyou Feng 冯道友, Delaina Ashley Yaun and Paul Andre Michels. 

The painful feelings of sadness and anger loom like dark clouds. Every now and then, bits of light seep through the darkness when I connect with and feel love from those in my heart and in my orbit, when I give love back to them, when I’m in prayer and meditation.

There’s so much I want to say. There’s so much I don’t want to say. I want to share. I don’t want to share. I want to be online. I don’t want to be online. I’m not ready. I’m ready. 

These thoughts have been rinsing and repeating themselves this past week as I’ve been doing my best to take care of myself. I hold space for the grief I can process privately that I don’t want to or need to share here. I also hold space for the things that I do want to express in this vulnerable post.

I grieve for and with the Asian American and Pacific Islander (AAPI) communities as anti-Asian hate crimes and incidents increase in this country. I grieve for and with my fellow AAPI community of women after last week’s shooting.  I grieve with my loved ones who are also feeling the density of many feelings like me.

I grieve for my past selves that felt unsafe and were in pain, wounded by hateful words and actions. I hold and protect closely all of these parts of young Jane.

I’m allowed to move through all these emotions as I need. 

I also recognize that sometimes the hesitation, overthinking and silence I harbor is a conditioned response. It’s a response stoked in fear—the fear that I’ll be too much, or I’ll be too little, that I’ll say too much, or nothing at all. 

They’re old programmed warnings that tell me I shouldn’t shake the tree too much, that it’s better to keep quiet than make a ruckus, old piles steeped in shame and guilt.

“All you need to do to survive and succeed is to work hard and stay quiet,” I’d be told, not only by what my parents grew up learning and practicing when assimilating in the US, but also what the external world reinforced to keep the “model minority” myth burning. 

So here I am, reflecting, processing, writing and sharing some truths. This is for young Jane who wants to hide but who deserves to know that she can stand in her truth. This is also for those who may find some connection and support in reading my words.

The alarming rate of anti-Asian hate crimes and incidences rising since the pandemic has been heartbreaking and scary. I fear for the safety of especially the vulnerable and the elderly in our communities.

Almost 70% of nearly 3800 reported incidences and crimes of anti-Asian hate since March 2020 have been against Asian women. Six of the eight victims murdered on March 16 were Asian women: Soon Chung Park 박순정, Hyun Jung Grant [김]현정, Sun Cha Kim 김순자, Yong Ae Yue 유용애, Xiaojie Tan 谭小洁, Daoyou Feng 冯道友

Rest in Peace, beautiful souls. I’ve been thinking deeply about them. Reading about their lives and their personalities from their surviving families is heartbreaking. They worked so tirelessly, were courageous and strong. They were brights spots in the lives of their families, loving and loved as mothers, grandmothers, daughters.

I feel anger and sadness that this system built on white supremacy failed to protect these women who were among the most vulnerable. Their lives were wrongfully taken because of hate, racism, sexism and misogyny. I feel sick thinking about how violence against Asian women is largely driven by the historic and ongoing hyper-sexualization and fetishization of Asian women.

My heart feels so heavy. My mind whirrs back to all the hateful, racist, misogynist or sexist trauma I’ve wanted to dislodge from my brain. Repressed memories revisit me, searing their pain. Sometimes they’ll fade as I try to focus on something else. Other times, like during the stillness of the night, they make a noise and come crawling back.

I’m learning to accept that grief and trauma don’t go away completely, that there is no time limit on processing them. Sometimes it gets easier to accept, acknowledge and move through the pain as time passes. But grief and trauma can stir up again unknowingly, like having to accept that Asian women who I can picture as my own family members are brutally killed because a white man was having a “bad day” and wanted to “eliminate” his “temptation.” 

Reading other Asian American women’s writings and seeing their artwork in reflection has brought up so much for me. Here’s a thread of some of their works to read. Every one of them strikes a chord of shared anger and sadness. To know that our stories may be different, but our identities as Asian American women in this country have been erased or filtered through whiteness and hypersexualization and fetishization is a painful common thread. Yet I feel held and seen by the vulnerability they express through their voices because I’m reminded I’m not alone. 

There’s so much collective and personal grief, pain, sorrow and trauma I’m holding onto and processing. I’m tired, but I want to open space for myself to express some of it, to stand in my truth and speak my truth.

To stand in and speak my truth today means to write this post, to let out some pain I’ve held onto that’s been boiling within me, especially after last week’s shooting and the last year of rising anti-Asian hate crimes. I also think of experiences that never have a chance to get reported, that are forgotten or tucked away.

A recent personal experience that stands out for me is last Labor Day weekend on September 7, 2020.

My parents and I experienced racist verbal harassment at Leo Carrillo Beach in Malibu by an older white woman after she was trying to take photos of our beach tent up close. We were sitting in it, eating our 김밥(kimbap) lunch. She was not wearing her mask and not practicing social distancing, so I politely asked her to put on her mask and keep within six feet distance from us. She mumbled to herself and moved away closer to the shore to take photos of the water. We proceeded to continue eating. A few minutes later, a couple walking with their dog within six feet from us complimented our tent. I thanked them, and they went on their way. Moments later, the same white woman returned and startled us.

She proceeded to throw a tantrum that we had treated her differently from the couple that had walked by. She called us Chinese assuming we were and said that Asian people were a “problem,” that we’re “mean, ugly people,” and that I was “attacking” her when I had asked her to keep distance and wear a mask.

In rageful defense, I yelled and cursed back, calling out her racist, ignorant comments and her white entitlement and privilege. My parents sat stunned in confusion and fear. The other beachgoers close by us were observant but quiet.

After the woman walked away, I tried to let go of what happened, but it was too painful. I choked back tears of anger. We decided to leave a few minutes later. As we packed up our things, I could see in the distance that she had gone to threaten us further by calling the beach patrol security on us.

That moment underscored the awful reality and the many cases exposed online where white people call the police on Black people and other people of color when they’re minding their own business, to instill further racial mistreatment and violence from the police. This is not okay. I can’t compare or group my experience with the severity of others’, but this woman’s actions to seek security denote how she was attempting to exert authority and control over us.

She then returned with two officers as we were about to leave. They asked me what happened. I explained that she wasn’t wearing a mask, and that when I asked her to keep distance, she proceeded to verbally harass my parents and me with ugly racist words. 

They ultimately asked if we wanted to file a report, but by that point, I was too numb, distraught and rattled and wanted to leave immediately. Sometimes I regret that decision, that I didn’t report her officially. Other times, I feel like even if I did go through the process to report her, what would have happened? Would she have to face any consequences? I also sometimes regret not being quick enough to clearly record her on my phone when she started spewing toxicity at us; I do have a photo of her when she happened to be in the background of a selfie I took of my dog and me. 

With all this said, my parents and I were fortunate enough to leave safely without being physically hurt or having any further altercations, but that experience stuck with me for a while. I processed this awful incident privately with loved ones when it first happened, and I’m grateful for their support and the space they held for me. This week, I ended up submitting it to the Stop AAPI Hate website to support their advocacy efforts. Please use it to report incidents of anti-Asian racism which helps them build more resources to raise awareness for local, regional and national governments and to support community organizations.

In reflecting on this incident six months later, I wish my parents didn’t have to experience that awfulness. I wish for no one to experience any form of bigotry, discrimination, prejudice or racism.

The fact that it happened on what was to be a relaxing day at the beach with my parents saddened me. I could feel them dissipate into the background as I yelled back at this woman in defense. They seemed resigned, primarily because their words to fight back could not amount to what I was able to vocalize.

As Korean immigrants who arrived in Los Angeles in 1979, they’ve had to muscle through and work so hard to try to assimilate in this country. Sometimes I feel like I don’t know the full extent and maybe never fully will. I’ve gotten to hear some of their stories, but I also feel so much has been repressed in the name of “be good, do well, and stay quiet.” 

I’ve been looking at old photos of them more closely lately, especially photos of when they first arrived to the US. My dad loved film photography, so he documented a lot of their experiences before my brother and I were born. Through the photos, I could track and follow some of their moves, bouncing around apartments in Koreatown and Glendale. At the bottom of a box of old photos, I came across an old receipt from a Vons grocery store on Western Ave. The ink on the receipt is faded, but I can read that the day was May 26, 1982. I can make out some of the things they tried to purchase: cans of corn, orange juice, milk, pretzels. Pretzels? I can picture my parents seeing those at the store and wondering what those were. I remember my mom telling me the first time she tried pizza was so special and unforgettable. Their stories are a part of me, and I’ll carry them with me forever.

I’m humbled and honored to share these stories. I hope to expand and grow with more courage and vulnerability as I keep writing. I’m reminded of this bit I wrote as a takeaway in a past post: “I’m grateful for the challenges and learning experiences that remind me to always speak and stand in my truth. Perseverance and resilience continue to build my character and strength, and having integrity gives me the courage to move forward.”

May we all step in and protect each other, especially those marginalized in our communities. May we make room for all our voices to be heard. May we make every effort to dismantle white supremacy.

Here are some ways to support and learn more:

• Donate to the AAPI Community fund on GoFundMe

• Read this Amplify Asian Voices doc for more readings and resources created by by Jezz Chung

• Visit Anti-Asian Violence Resources for more ways to take action, created by the HAAPI ERG at Flexport

I send love, peace and strength to anyone hurting or in fear, who are processing different feelings in different forms and layers. I hold space for you. You are heard and seen. You are loved.

Progression: A podcast by Jane Shin is now live

I'm excited to share my new podcast today: Progression. It's a show centered on mental health, personal development and spirituality through conversations I'll have with artists and through my own reflections as a woman working in the music industry.

Listen to the first introduction episode and learn about how this project all came together at progression.fm/intro.

If you heard something that resonates with you, send a link to someone who’d be interested in tuning in.

Your continuous support means a lot to me, so thanks for being part of this journey with me.

Wrapping up 2018

Happy Winter Solstice. Today marks the first day of winter and the shortest day of the year. The end of 2018 is officially near.

A lot of major transitions and shifts took place for me in 2018. It’s been a painstaking yet beautiful process, but I’ve gained a wealth of emotional and spiritual growth on a level I haven’t felt before. I’m grateful for all that’s transpired this year that has led me to this point in my life.

In 2019, I look forward to finding more courage to share my voice and my story, to continue elevating and supporting artists I believe in, to continue writing and producing to my heart’s content (no pun intended), and to continue shedding old narratives to make room for new ones to honor who I am today and who I’m becoming.

In the meantime, here’s what I’m reminiscing about and celebrating in 2018.

Favorite milestones of 2018

U.S. destinations I hit outside of LA in 2018: Kauai, D.C., NYC, Philadelphia and Seattle

Destinations I hit abroad in 2018: South Korea and Japan

• Making my spirituality a bigger focus this year

  • I’ve been processing a lot, and my spirituality is one of the most important things I’ve reconnected with and regained this year. I will expand on this more in 2019.

• Launching janeshin.co, my website and blog in January

  • It took a lot of courage and hard work to finally launch my website in January. It was an emotional process revisiting my past work and past lives, but it reminded me I’ve come a long way. In case you missed it, I wrote about the process of launching my website.

• Embarking on my first mother-daughter trip to Japan and Korea in March and April

  • It was special because I learned more about my mom on this particular trip. It was both our first time in Tokyo, and it was my third time visiting the Motherland, Korea. My mom continues to amaze me as the strongest person I know. She’s the only person in her family to have immigrated to the U.S., so I’m always in awe of her courage and independence. I already knew she was a musichead, but it was cool to learn just how much of a musichead she was e.g. she loved falling asleep listening to music, and she’d play American pop songs for her younger sisters so they’d pick up English. I’ve been piecing together the ways in which I’ve found myself on this journey in music, and in learning more about my mom, so much makes sense. Her ears of gold and her love for music have made their way through to me.

• Turning 30 in Kauai and learning to surf for the first time in June

• I was excited to turn 30 this year and in no better, more magical place than Kauai with my best friends. I learned to surf for the first time too and hope to have another opportunity to surf again in 2019. 30 has treated me well so far, and I’m looking forward to seeing what the 30s have in store for me.

• Organizing the first LA Women@Spotify event for International Women's Day in March

  • I’m honored I got to make this happen during my time at Spotify by bringing together women working in the worlds of music and film. My heart was full seeing different women connect and share their experiences navigating the challenges of working in male-dominated industries. Read the recap and tune into the full recording of the panel here.

• Creating and hosting my first music showcase in LA with April + VISTA, Ivy Sole and Bathe in August

  • This was a great reminder of how much live shows are a vital form of expression for artists and another avenue to support and discover artists. It meant a lot for me to be able to create this with the help of Forecast Recordings because it sparked some great milestones–this night served as April + VISTA’s first headlining show in LA and they were subsequently broadcast on KCRW the day they left for the airport. It was also Bathe’s first LA show, but they hadn’t released any music out at that point. They released their lovely single “Sure Shot” in October and it’s received great reception. It was great to have Ivy Sole perform for new ears and especially for loyal LA fans who came out to sing back her words perfectly. Read the full recap of the showcase here.

Favorite music projects of 2018

April + VISTA - You Are Here

Tierra Whack - Whack World

Rico Nasty - Nasty

Yuno - Moodie

Mac Miller - Swimming

Key! & Kenny Beats - 777

Beach House - 7

J.I.D - DiCaprio 2

Black Panther soundtrack

21 Savage - i am > i was

A lot of great music was released this year, but I compiled the above projects as homage to the fact that I’ve listened to these EPs and albums the most consistently and repeatedly, from start to finish with no skips.

• April + VISTA - You Are Here

  • April + VISTA’s EP You Are Here has been the perfect project to carry me through the ups and downs of 2018. It’s a project that imbues growth and the importance of pausing and breathing through these transitions. I’m excited as April and Matt continue to challenge the status quo and experiment with their sound.

• Tierra Whack - Whack World

  • Tierra Whack has shaken up the music industry off the strength of this unique project alone. While I eagerly await more gems from Tierra, I’m grateful I had the chance to end my last Spotify video shoot in Philly with her and her team.

• Rico Nasty - Nasty

  • Rico Nasty is one of my favorite artists I discovered this year. She’s refreshing and her brazen raps reminds me to give no fucks about what anyone thinks about me and what I do.

• Yuno - Moodie

  • I feel carefree, present, and positive when I listen to Yuno so Moodie is a good reminder to enjoy the ride and feel my feelings. His music has always made me feel this way since I first found him on SoundCloud back in 2012. Things came full circle, and we finally got a chance to meet in-person in September when he came to play his first LA show.

• Mac Miller - Swimming

  • Mac Miller’s Swimming has had me crying too many times to count. I can admit, I never grew up listening to Mac Miller, but this album was so beautiful. Rest in Peace to a truly talented soul who seems to have touched the lives of all those who crossed paths with him.

• Key! and Kenny Beats - 777

  • 777 is a catchy, solid tape and feels like a major contributor to Kenny’s rise as one of the top producers of 2018. The two have orchestrated a project that’s perfect for any occasion, cruising or kicking back with friends.

• Beach House - 7

  • What else can I say about Beach House other than the fact that this is their seventh studio album? I’ve been listening to this legendary band since high school, and they always take me back to places and feelings I can’t describe.

• J.I.D - DiCaprio 2

  • J.I.D has easily become one of my favorite rappers this year. His bars are impeccably catchy, and after listening to DiCaprio 2 through and through, I can’t wait to catch him live.

• Black Panther: The Album

  • Black Panther: The Album elevates director Ryan Coogler’s iconic masterpiece of Black Panther that went on to become the highest grossing film of 2018. The fact that Kendrick Lamar is the co-producer already makes this a monumental compilation too.

• 21 Savage - i am > i was

  • I had to edit this post to add 21 Savage’s latest album that was released today on 12/21. I got a chance to listen in the car driving around this evening, and it’s excellent from start to finish and will be a repeat listen for sure. I can’t wait to get back in the car to bump this.

Much love and blessings as you wrap up your 2018,
Jane